5 DOs and 5 DON'Ts

Ten handy tips for newcomers to help you to fit in straight away.

DO:

Carry a couple of tasty dog snacks in your pocket. It's expected.

Plan domestic emergencies well in advance. Plumbers and electricians here like plenty of notice and follow-up reminders before they will mend leaks or fused circuits urgently.

Commit to memory all possible routes to Skegness or Boston. (Essential for assisting bemused delivery drivers, completely lost through bridge/road closures, asking for directions every time you mow your front lawn.)

Mow your front lawn at least as often as you clean your teeth (or tooth). It's expected.

Keep in mind that "dyke" is a verb as well as a noun (i.e. "I've dyked myself"). It saves vital seconds when calling out the Emergency Services while your car is filling up with water.


DON'T:

Wash your car. If it isn't sufficiently mud-spattered, oncoming tractor-drivers will mistake you for a recent incomer or, worse still, a tourist, and force you off the road instead of making room for you to pass.

Complain about Lincolnshire sausages being gristly. That's how they're supposed to be.

Ask what 'chine' is either. Just eat it and pretend to like it. Ditto re: gristly.

Stare at the tourists. They think it's cool to dress like that where they come from.

Ask anyone over 40 how they are. Unless you really really want to know. I mean really really really want to know.