Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Miles Away

Not everyone would base a short break on a distant Ham Festival but this blogger did. And either "Durante el tercer fin de semana de octubre de cada año" on the Aracena Ayuntamiento's website doesn't mean what I thought or one of us got the dates mixed up. Whatever, having driven deep into darkest Extramadura from Malaga Airport, the annual Feria Regional del Jamon y del Cerdo Iberico turned out to be a no-show. So faced with another cold night in the Alcatraz-like hotel I'd booked and minus an attraction to make the experience worthwhile, we checked out hurriedly and blazed south to the warmer and more welcoming climes of Jerez, knowing that there we'd be assured of a perfect stay there thanks to the ubiquitous influence of its Alcaldesa.

OK, I know appearances aren't supposed to mean everything. But doesn't Senora Pilar Sánchez Muñoz (left) look like the kind of Mayor who could be trusted make sure that if it said there was going to be a Ham Fair on the third weekend of Oct., a Ham Fair there would be - or else. And an elegant, sensible, properly-run affair it would be too. Just like Jerez itself, in fact.

If I say that, these days, Jerez looks like the sort of place someone like Senora Pilar would be happy in - I'd mean it as a compliment. Bright clean plazas, great service and food in bars and restaurants from the humblest up, no drunks, no vomit-stained pavements. And
I like her latest innovation - instead of a flashing light that makes you dither nervously about whether to run-walk across junctions to avoid being mowed down by eagerly revving drivers waiting to beat each other to the green light, there's now a second-by-second countdown giving you a fair chance to work out whether you can do the 30 metres in Sub-Olympic standard or die in the attempt.

Bugger policies. I'm going to treat politics as a beauty contest from now on. Otherwise we finish up with horrible old tarts like Jaqui Smith, who looks as if she owes her flopping cleavage to an excessive taste for kebabs and still is clueless. Time to stop being tactful about appearance and go for the lookers. Give me fragrant Alcaldesa Pilar and pistol-packin' VPILF Sarah Palin, every time. At least they improve the scenery.

8 comments:

Glamourpuss said...

Fair enough. It needs to go both ways though; all the fat, balding, double-chinned blokes need to be replaced with Daniel Craig lookalikes.

Puss

All Shook Up said...

Quite right, Puss. Only one chin per person should be allowed.

Are you up for the job as Ministress of Culture?

Selena Dreamy said...

I'm going to treat politics as a beauty contest from now on.

It was ecstatic, it was irresistible, it was like being caught up in a whirlwind - but what about the morning after?

Selena Dreamy said...

a flashing light that makes you dither nervously about whether to run or walk across junctions...

To say nothing of the beep, beep, beep, beep....which is pure sadism disguised in the technology of modern civilization!

All Shook Up said...

It was ecstatic, it was irresistible, it was like being caught up in a whirlwind - but what about the morning after?

If you're going to get screwed, it might as well be with someone memorably worth it.

To say nothing of the beep, beep, beep, beep.... Positively Pavlovian!

Ironically, I assume this is designed to assist blind people. Hard to imagine anything more terrifying than being somewhere in the middle when it starts and not knowing whether to start sprinting forwards or backwards!

Selena Dreamy said...

“Todos la secunia hasta” - courtesy of señora Pilar Sánchez Muñoz

THE SIX O’CLOCK MIRACLE

All Shook Up said...

¡es un milagro estupendo! Spilsby nunca será igual otra vez. ¿Cómo lo cambio detrás? ¡Alcaldesa, me ayuda!

Selena Dreamy said...

No hay sino un sentido de genio - de magia irresistible poderes - acompañado, tal vez, por a una aprensión subyacente que podría manipular la realidad como si se tratara de un fantasía.